You work out of a Hotel?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
