I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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