You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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