My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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