this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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