he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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