Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
