i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
