yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
