I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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