farters have to be the big spoon...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
