when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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