You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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