On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
