Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
