just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You left your phone here
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