mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
