Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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