I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize