The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
