Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
