I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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