Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
