I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
