Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
