weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
