What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
