Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
