so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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