There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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