I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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