Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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