final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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