if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
