why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
