last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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