They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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