i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize