Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize