i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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