it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
