I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
