My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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