now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
