whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize