This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
