please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
