I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My vagina just recognized that song.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
