I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
