Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
