i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
