i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
