You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
